Judging people as a Christian.

This has been on my mind for several weeks.  There was a recent article about a girl who was protesting because a child who was biologically a boy but felt like she was a girl asked to join the Girl Scouts. The Girl Scouts let in the transgendered child. Well, child  judgemental- bitch- in -training, likely spurred on by hateful parents, made a video protesting this asking people to boycott purchasing Girl Scout cookies. Well, of course, I doubled my cookie order, even though my fat ass will eat every thin mint, and I don't need to. I posted the article on my facebook to some backlash. I was told by someone that the transgendered child was a sin against Jesus. I am a humble sinner myself, but I don't presume to know to what degree Jesus considers things a sin and point fingers at those who I think are sinning against Him.

However, this reminded me of a movie I saw called "Lars and the Real Girl."  It is an Indy film I resisted seeing because the premise seemed a little bizarre and maybe even a little offensive, but this film, while humorous, changed me in a good day.

I won't give too much away because I think everyone should see this, but a guy named Lars, having lived with the knowledge that his mother died while giving birth to him and being raised by a father who can't seem to bond with him, buys a life sized doll and tells everyone it is his girlfriend, Bianca. It stars Ryan Gosling and was made in 2008 when his star was just starting to light up.

He begins to take Bianca everywhere in his small Minnesota town. His older brother and wife, try to shelter Lars from possible hate by discussing the issue with everyone first.  The following video is what occurs prior to Lars taking Bianca to church. What would Jesus do? Indeed....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rcff4P2erwM

Maybe it's just me, but I think sitting at home, tallying up other people's sins is WRONG. It's hateful, and I don't think it's what Jesus would have wanted, but again, I am not presumptive enough to tally up everyone else's sins. Also, I don't think Jesus would have put such a love in my heart for my friends. My straight friends, my gay friends, and if I had a transgendered friend or a wacky friends like Lars, that kind of friend either.  Also, as I am fond of saying "Baby, we all got SOMETHING." Maybe we're cranky, use cuss words, overeat, overdrink, a little wacky. But I do know THIS. It is WRONG to judge people. It says right there in Matthew 7:3 "Why do you look at the speck in your brother's eye, and not notice the LOG in yours?"

I will also say this. I think some Christian people who speak out the most harshly against gays are doing so because they want to condemn sin but don't want to actually look at themselves. Gays are 3% of the population.  Why are we not discussing the 50% of the population committing adultery? Who are judging their neighbors? Who gossip? Who run your ass over with the cart at kroger even though you only have a box of tampons and aluminum foil? Isn't that a little more realistic? No, if people condemn gays, they get to feel good because they condemn what they feel is "sin," but they don't have to actually look at themselves.

Peace and blessings, kindness and love this Sunday morning. Maybe when you're worshipping this Sunday, you say a prayer to seek to understand before you condemn. You trade hate for love this Valentine's day. Try it.Though I can't make presumptions about it,  I think that's what Jesus would do.

Melissa

Tiger meat! Oh joy!

OK, first let me get the blog disclaimer out of the way. I started this blog as a way to gently poke fun at the interesting people who contacted me on online dating sites.  I don't mean to be mean-spirited or ugly, but some of this is just really unbelievable.  Also, someone asked if I blogged about the men I actually did go out with. The answer is a solid NO. This blog just highlights people I will never contact.  If it helps, think of it as similar to the People of Wal-Mart site. I am just stunned that people like this exist.  Now that that's out of the way, let's get to the fun stuff. Without further ado, I bring you Rudy.

Here is his first message, as you can see, Rudy does not believe in capital letters or punctuation. Included, was a picture of his dogs, which are very cute, actually.

very freshly widowed. not used to being alone. for now im just looking for women to talk too. ive been out of circulation for so long, i know id feel uncomfortable bar hopping. love to karokee, love music REAL MUSIC. no acid guitar or bubblegum called r+b/beebopp. got puppies/shitsus. Ive become a homebody. Id love to go out once in a while, but hands down, time at home is what i cherish. Retired navy, ive had my share of many things. But i love coming home to a woman, my woman. And enjoying life with her.

So I read Rudy's profile. In the About Me section:  
recently widowed. just looking to talk for now. was married 14yrs.into tinkering, love to fix things. retired navy, just looking for a woman to share the rest of my years with.
old REAL soul/not this bubble gum sh@# they call beebopp.
love ballads. tradtional spanish "jibaro" music, not texmex #$@#^%
if your a lazy fatass do nothing, carry on. i want a woman with a will and passion.


On the section for what he would like to do on a first date: been so long since ive enjoyed a date. im kind of like a clam hiding an oyster. you gotta pry it open. it wont open on its own. open to all discussions/straight only. not comfortable with openly expressing, but i do like to talk.


Of course, a clam hiding an oyster. Of course, clams hide oysters all the time. I totally get that, but I decided to pass on contacting Rudy. I guess he didn't think he was detailed enough in his first message, so I awoke to this message.  Here it is in its entirety. Everyone who has read it has cracked up laughing, and I think you will too. I am just stunned. I won't do Rudy's picture and blur it like the other ones because he actually looks surprisingly semi normal.  Let me just say, I have never seen anything written like this before, and I hope to never see it again.  This whole message was like a bad novel. I kept waiting for it to get better. It never did. So, here goes. 

i like to go by rudy. the only people who call me by my real name are bill collectors or family back home.  so you will either startle me or make me tear up. your answers bartlet/memphis. (he put his address here. Sure, let me log off and go right over to your house.) NO. nearest intersection is (nearest intersection listed. You know, in case I need directions not going to his house.) i got 4 babies- sara,sassy,totto and terra (more like terror). Behold,  the train wreck!!! i have dedicated the past 14yrs to a beautiful woman who had a weakness for pill popping (somas), and drugs (meth). (At least he's loyal, right?) needless to say she took me to the cleaners several, several times.  i will never regret our time together, but ive also learned much.i stuck with her for i saw the beauty in her heart. she just couldnt give it up. that led to countless TIA's. last friday; as fred sanford would say; the big one finally came.  Yes, you read that right. His wife died last Friday, he is using a Sanford and Son reference to describe it, and he is already trying to date.  slap me once, shame on you, slap me twice, shame on me.  WTF!? Slap him?  im a strong willed man, thats the only thing that keeps me going. i have nothing now basically but my name, and my heart. not completely wiped out, but if i were, id be happy with myself. i lived life the way my heart saw fit. i will stick it out.i will keep my pants up. Well, make up your mind, dude! Are you going to stick it out, or are you going to keep your pants up? I guess if it's sticking out, you can leave your pants up, right? Either way, I don't want to know that. Ewwww. get me hooked, and the case is over. (sounds like you're already hooked.) i learned my lesson well. trust me. i was a truck driver for 11yrs, i kept my meat fresh for the tiger at home. ive had many a chance to slip. i swear on any of my dead relatives grave, i kept it shut. I think that is the best pick up line I have ever heard! Seriously, "Hey babe. I keep my meat fresh for the tiger at home!" I'm kinda hoping this takes off as a catch phrase for marital fidelity. I could see it at a wedding. "Do you Bob, take you Susie to be your wife? Will you love, honor and cherish her, and keep the meat fresh for the tiger at home?" now the funeral wiped me out, my inlaws (they got us the home) are pushing me to take the note. im struggling, but im not giving up. Thank you for telling me how broke you are and how you cannot pay your house note. if your a woman who is a prescription meds freak, has to be lavished with eccentric things and materail goods, god bless you. i wish you well. this homeboy is a homebody. I totally need to be lavished with eccentric things.  Forget diamonds. I totally need a man who will buy me an ostrich egg to put over my fireplace, maybe some eccentric formaldehyde soaked animals in a pickle jar. That kind of stuff. I really don't want to be high maintenance, you know.  I don't really do pills either, but I could use a drink right about now, after reading this profile. i have no free time really, im on bereavement leave. thats why im burning up the web now. can only chum up the water, and see what fish come up. once i get new friends you will rarely if at all see me here again.  Yes, his wife just died last Friday. He is on bereavement leave, and he doesn't have a lot of time, so jumping right into dating the day after burying your dead, methhead tweeker wife is totally understandable.  "i hate wearing sneakers, i love wearing shoes" I don't know what the fuck this means. I guess it's open to interpretation.  for now i only have my heart and my life to give. im looking for only 1. easy to please, hard to trigger. you wanna pick my brain sommore, forgive me, i dont know what else to say. im finally free and i hate it. i miss so very dearly being "owned". anytime baby, anytime.  i have nothing to hide, or hide from. rudy, 901-###-XXXX house is (phone number here)  but im going to disconnect it when my sister goes back home. I don't think Rudy is quite for me. If you know any good meth heads who might take him to the cleaners, I can give you his actual phone number and address.  Thanks Rudy, but I'm gonna pass. I have fresh meat in my freezer.

Stupid stuff not to say to people who are divorced.

This is meant to be humorous. Those of you who are divorced (roughly half of my friends) might find it humorous. The rest of you will think I have an issue with sarcasm and need an intervention from Dr. Phil for my bitterness, and for that, I'm sorry. (well, I'm not really...hehe) So, without further ado, the list of what NOT to say to people who are divorced.

" I totally know how you feel. My husband was just out of town for two weeks and it's just like being a single mom. I'm totally exhausted." 

OK, being a single parent lasts pretty much forever, unless you remarry, and there's no guarantee you will, so until you hear "Mom, she ate all the snacks/he hit me/I can only find one soccer cleat/I need lunch money." on a continuous loop that lasts until your ears ring, you have NO IDEA. I can build up an entire two weeks of parental endurance with a mere peanut butter and jelly sandwich and an ice cream bar I hid in the freezer behind the broccoli.

"You're so LUCKY. You get every other weekend to do what you want!" 

Which might be: 

--Work an extra job to try to pick up some extra income.

---Collapse in exhaustion.

Yeah, i'm having a great time mowing the lawn and doing fifteen loads of laundry, cutting coupons, restocking the refrigerator. Thrilling. 

"You get to date other men. That must be cool." 

No, it isn't. I got married so I could STOP dating. Now I have to meet a bunch of people, go on a job-like interview and wonder if I am going to get rejected for the personality I have spent 40+ years honing.  If you have already read my blog, you know that middle aged dating SUCKS more often than not. 

"I never liked your husband! You know he came onto me once!" 

Well, you aren't a very good friend, are you? You might have told me sooner, so I could have filed for divorce sooner instead of wasting 5 more years of my life I can never get back...and then, (inside my head) "Seriously? YOU? No WAY you're hotter than me. I knew he was losing his mind. That man would fuck the crack of dawn if it stood still long enough!" 

"I'll bet your husband will be sorry, and he will come back to you one day." 

Me, thinking silently: "Would that be in an urn or a pine box?  Because that's the only way that jackass is getting back in my house." 

"You will get remarried! You might even have another baby! Wouldn't that be something?" 

Now, I will say that I have a recently remarried friend whom I tease about having a baby. He/she KNOWS I am kidding, and it is like a running joke. These are people I hardly know saying this to me. Trust me when I say, if I ever have a future Mr., his kids had better be pre-born because I don't know nothin bout birthin no babies...ever again. 

"Let me set you up with my cousin/coworker/uncle Fred." 

Meaning: He is totally ugly and lives in his mom's basement, but he has a great personality. You will hate me after you meet him, for thinking your standards are that low. 

((Said to someone else, and not to you..))) Whispers "Melissa is divorced now. Watch out. She might want our husbands!" 

Seriously girls. By the time I was done, I didn't even want my own husband. Why the hell would I want YOURs? Realistically anyway, have you even SEEN your husband? Ewww...

I am sure there are more. This is mostly said in jest, but the next time you overhear one of these little gems in a coffee shop or a playground, I hope you remember this and smile. :-)

Interesting online dating profile of the day.. pretty fly for a white guy...

Hey all,

I'm really enjoying blogging my online dating attempts.  I hope to some day meet my own personal knight in shining armor, but in the meantime, let's keep reviewing the guys disguised in tinfoil hats.

The free dating site I am using for this blog experiment, has a new feature called "Do you want to meet him (or her)?" and then you click yes, no or maybe.  So, I received an email that TheKid69 wanted to meet me. Anyone who uses 69 in their user name is usually some kind of sex fiend...unless they are nearing 42 years old, then they were likely born in 1969. Nope. This guy (this kid?) is 37.

I looked at the profile and burst out laughing. Here is what he had to say about himself in the "about me" section: just dont want a repeat of last time.want a good honest woman who is not crazy and does not tell lies and one who is not a whore would be nice and very pretty other than that im not that picky

Wow, he sounds picky to me! He wants someone who isn't crazy and isn't a whore! I believe the promiscuous and mentally ill might be an actual singles untapped market!! 

Here's his picture. Of course, I distorted his face to protect his identity. Note the nice pose, the padded headboard and the bling. WTF is he wearing on his necklace? A carburetor?

Last but not least, all I could think of while viewing this profile was this:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Vc8tPTVBRSc

Lord help me. I really AM gonna be single forever. I'd better start stocking up on cats now. lol

His cologne is Eau D' Freak

or maybe mine is. My friend often jokes with me that I am a FREAK magnet when it comes to online dating. I started this blog to document my journey along weirdo way. The past couple of months has been rather slow on the weirdo range, but yesterday, I received this gem of an email from a gentleman who lives in Louisiana (191 miles away, according to the dating site) He did have Elvis in his user name. Let me just sum up, I am going to be single forever.

This blog post is useless without pictures, but I don't know if it is a violation of copyright laws to post them. However, i am not profiting off them, and I'm just using them to illustrate the story, so I'm including them. Don't sue me. For his sake, I have obscured his face, but you really don't need to see his face to get the idea. The following is his communication to me, verbatim (with my comments in italics and parentheses)

Hello sugarpuss, (WTF, sugarpuss?? that's a term of endearment I've never heard before...and hope to never hear again.) 
I liked your profile and yes i read all of it. I would definitely like to get to know you better. I think that we could become friends if you would respond back. I definitely want to chat with you and I would hope that you arent shy either. I will say a little about me before you check out my profile.

I am a very passionate and very sexual man. (Yeah, I've never met you, yet you're unveiling your freak score on me in the first email!? NO) I have a very high sex drive and i love to kiss. I am 6ft 1in tall, weigh 215 lbs and have BIG FEET LOL(And you know what they say about men with big feet..wink wink nudge nudge. They need big shoes. I should write him back and tell him I have big feet too.) I am a very touchy feeley guy and love the same in a woman. I am much deeper and more is in the profile. We should chat and then you may know how deep i am. Lets chat soon. Hopefully you have yahoo also. Please write back and let me know.

aHunkaHunkaBurninLove (yes, it really said this.) 

Michael (which is my exH's name, so I wouldn't go out with you if you looked like George Clooney, let alone the older, jumpsuit wearing, about-to-have-a-coronary-Elvis)

Photo 1: Is Elvis married? Is that a wedding ring? so not only is he a jumpsuit wearer, but he might be cheating on Ms. Elvis. I wasn't even going to include this photo because he almost looks normal here, but the ring had to be noted. 

Not a bad photo actually, kinda rockin the semi-Elvis TV evangelist plastic ken doll hair, but whatevs...

Oh yeah...Baby you are a STAR!!!!! 

His profile pic, BTW!

 I obscured his face, but don't you love to run your fingers through that thick hair, held together with dippity doo? If that don't work for you, there is an ample collection of chest hair (I don't actually mind chest hair, but this guy is....ick) and what good taste in jewelry! Is he cheating on Elvis by wearing something from the Tom Jones: Live in Vegas collection??

First blog post....The joy of online dating....

I wanted to learn to blog to start keeping a funny update of my life. On a whim, I rejoined two free online dating sites. Now first of all, my disclaimer is that I HATE online dating with a writhing passion. I am a FREAK magnet. I wish I were kidding. If there is a freak in the tristate area, he's likely to hit on me. Religious nuts? Them too. People who put the grrr.. in swinger..yep, them too.

So, several people have encouraged me to write a book based on my hilarious dating attempts and the plethora of weirdos that contact me. A book seemed like a little too lofty of a goal, so I decided to start with a blog.

I put up a profile, and within ten minutes, I got my first message.

"Hi. My name is Charlie. I saw your profile and like what you had to say." He liked what I had to say, what could go wrong!? Next line: "I will say that I do have a foot-stocking fetish. If this is OK with you, please call me at XXX-XXX-1234." Obviously, I am not going to answer this guy. I wish I could say it was my first foot freak, but alas....Also today, a message from a woman who wanted me to meet her husband. There's so many things wrong with this that I need a whole nother ten pages.

When I logged back on to read the message, he attempted to contact me through the site's instant message feature. "Hi, can I talk to you more about my fetish?" NO, you skeezy ass motherfucker. No, you may not. I said "No thank you." and quickly logged off.

About two hours later, I received a message from this guy again. "What's so wrong with a foot massage? Why are so many women offended by that?"

I sent him a message and told him that some ladies use dating sites for dating. I told him "Suppose you met a woman at the mall. You would walk up to her, ask her her name, and tell her yours. You would NOT unveil your FREAK SCORE on her within the first five minutes of meeting her. Also, you would not chase her down the mall if she rejected you, shouting at her 'Why don't you like me?' or similar." I told him that men seemed to get pretty darned bold because they used the internet and not everyone was looking for a hook up. I told him if he wanted women to like him, maybe he should get to know them first before asking if he could ogle their toesies! He wrote back and told me I was so right! He said he'd still like to talk to me if he hadn't blown it. I decided it was time to block him. LOL

Besides, he seriously wouldn't have been able to handle meeting me. I have size TEN shoes, and you know what they say about women with big feet, don't you? Nothing. They only say that about men...and I don't think it's true that men with big feet are richer because they need to spend more on shoes because of all the leather.

Happier than a bird with a french fry....

I decided to start blogging as a way to talk about random stuff I see and do in life. I chose the title "bird with a french fry" because a long time ago, I heard the expression "Happier than a bird with a french fry" and it made me laugh.

I plan to blog about random musings from life, painting, interesting people, documentaries, books, movies, creative stuff, funny stuff, kid stuff and LIFE.