Stupid stuff not to say to people who are divorced.

This is meant to be humorous. Those of you who are divorced (roughly half of my friends) might find it humorous. The rest of you will think I have an issue with sarcasm and need an intervention from Dr. Phil for my bitterness, and for that, I'm sorry. (well, I'm not really...hehe) So, without further ado, the list of what NOT to say to people who are divorced.

" I totally know how you feel. My husband was just out of town for two weeks and it's just like being a single mom. I'm totally exhausted." 

OK, being a single parent lasts pretty much forever, unless you remarry, and there's no guarantee you will, so until you hear "Mom, she ate all the snacks/he hit me/I can only find one soccer cleat/I need lunch money." on a continuous loop that lasts until your ears ring, you have NO IDEA. I can build up an entire two weeks of parental endurance with a mere peanut butter and jelly sandwich and an ice cream bar I hid in the freezer behind the broccoli.

"You're so LUCKY. You get every other weekend to do what you want!" 

Which might be: 

--Work an extra job to try to pick up some extra income.

---Collapse in exhaustion.

Yeah, i'm having a great time mowing the lawn and doing fifteen loads of laundry, cutting coupons, restocking the refrigerator. Thrilling. 

"You get to date other men. That must be cool." 

No, it isn't. I got married so I could STOP dating. Now I have to meet a bunch of people, go on a job-like interview and wonder if I am going to get rejected for the personality I have spent 40+ years honing.  If you have already read my blog, you know that middle aged dating SUCKS more often than not. 

"I never liked your husband! You know he came onto me once!" 

Well, you aren't a very good friend, are you? You might have told me sooner, so I could have filed for divorce sooner instead of wasting 5 more years of my life I can never get back...and then, (inside my head) "Seriously? YOU? No WAY you're hotter than me. I knew he was losing his mind. That man would fuck the crack of dawn if it stood still long enough!" 

"I'll bet your husband will be sorry, and he will come back to you one day." 

Me, thinking silently: "Would that be in an urn or a pine box?  Because that's the only way that jackass is getting back in my house." 

"You will get remarried! You might even have another baby! Wouldn't that be something?" 

Now, I will say that I have a recently remarried friend whom I tease about having a baby. He/she KNOWS I am kidding, and it is like a running joke. These are people I hardly know saying this to me. Trust me when I say, if I ever have a future Mr., his kids had better be pre-born because I don't know nothin bout birthin no babies...ever again. 

"Let me set you up with my cousin/coworker/uncle Fred." 

Meaning: He is totally ugly and lives in his mom's basement, but he has a great personality. You will hate me after you meet him, for thinking your standards are that low. 

((Said to someone else, and not to you..))) Whispers "Melissa is divorced now. Watch out. She might want our husbands!" 

Seriously girls. By the time I was done, I didn't even want my own husband. Why the hell would I want YOURs? Realistically anyway, have you even SEEN your husband? Ewww...

I am sure there are more. This is mostly said in jest, but the next time you overhear one of these little gems in a coffee shop or a playground, I hope you remember this and smile. :-)