Stupid stuff not to say to people who are divorced.

This is meant to be humorous. Those of you who are divorced (roughly half of my friends) might find it humorous. The rest of you will think I have an issue with sarcasm and need an intervention from Dr. Phil for my bitterness, and for that, I'm sorry. (well, I'm not really...hehe) So, without further ado, the list of what NOT to say to people who are divorced.

" I totally know how you feel. My husband was just out of town for two weeks and it's just like being a single mom. I'm totally exhausted." 

OK, being a single parent lasts pretty much forever, unless you remarry, and there's no guarantee you will, so until you hear "Mom, she ate all the snacks/he hit me/I can only find one soccer cleat/I need lunch money." on a continuous loop that lasts until your ears ring, you have NO IDEA. I can build up an entire two weeks of parental endurance with a mere peanut butter and jelly sandwich and an ice cream bar I hid in the freezer behind the broccoli.

"You're so LUCKY. You get every other weekend to do what you want!" 

Which might be: 

--Work an extra job to try to pick up some extra income.

---Collapse in exhaustion.

Yeah, i'm having a great time mowing the lawn and doing fifteen loads of laundry, cutting coupons, restocking the refrigerator. Thrilling. 

"You get to date other men. That must be cool." 

No, it isn't. I got married so I could STOP dating. Now I have to meet a bunch of people, go on a job-like interview and wonder if I am going to get rejected for the personality I have spent 40+ years honing.  If you have already read my blog, you know that middle aged dating SUCKS more often than not. 

"I never liked your husband! You know he came onto me once!" 

Well, you aren't a very good friend, are you? You might have told me sooner, so I could have filed for divorce sooner instead of wasting 5 more years of my life I can never get back...and then, (inside my head) "Seriously? YOU? No WAY you're hotter than me. I knew he was losing his mind. That man would fuck the crack of dawn if it stood still long enough!" 

"I'll bet your husband will be sorry, and he will come back to you one day." 

Me, thinking silently: "Would that be in an urn or a pine box?  Because that's the only way that jackass is getting back in my house." 

"You will get remarried! You might even have another baby! Wouldn't that be something?" 

Now, I will say that I have a recently remarried friend whom I tease about having a baby. He/she KNOWS I am kidding, and it is like a running joke. These are people I hardly know saying this to me. Trust me when I say, if I ever have a future Mr., his kids had better be pre-born because I don't know nothin bout birthin no babies...ever again. 

"Let me set you up with my cousin/coworker/uncle Fred." 

Meaning: He is totally ugly and lives in his mom's basement, but he has a great personality. You will hate me after you meet him, for thinking your standards are that low. 

((Said to someone else, and not to you..))) Whispers "Melissa is divorced now. Watch out. She might want our husbands!" 

Seriously girls. By the time I was done, I didn't even want my own husband. Why the hell would I want YOURs? Realistically anyway, have you even SEEN your husband? Ewww...

I am sure there are more. This is mostly said in jest, but the next time you overhear one of these little gems in a coffee shop or a playground, I hope you remember this and smile. :-)

Interesting online dating profile of the day.. pretty fly for a white guy...

Hey all,

I'm really enjoying blogging my online dating attempts.  I hope to some day meet my own personal knight in shining armor, but in the meantime, let's keep reviewing the guys disguised in tinfoil hats.

The free dating site I am using for this blog experiment, has a new feature called "Do you want to meet him (or her)?" and then you click yes, no or maybe.  So, I received an email that TheKid69 wanted to meet me. Anyone who uses 69 in their user name is usually some kind of sex fiend...unless they are nearing 42 years old, then they were likely born in 1969. Nope. This guy (this kid?) is 37.

I looked at the profile and burst out laughing. Here is what he had to say about himself in the "about me" section: just dont want a repeat of last time.want a good honest woman who is not crazy and does not tell lies and one who is not a whore would be nice and very pretty other than that im not that picky

Wow, he sounds picky to me! He wants someone who isn't crazy and isn't a whore! I believe the promiscuous and mentally ill might be an actual singles untapped market!! 

Here's his picture. Of course, I distorted his face to protect his identity. Note the nice pose, the padded headboard and the bling. WTF is he wearing on his necklace? A carburetor?

Last but not least, all I could think of while viewing this profile was this:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Vc8tPTVBRSc

Lord help me. I really AM gonna be single forever. I'd better start stocking up on cats now. lol

His cologne is Eau D' Freak

or maybe mine is. My friend often jokes with me that I am a FREAK magnet when it comes to online dating. I started this blog to document my journey along weirdo way. The past couple of months has been rather slow on the weirdo range, but yesterday, I received this gem of an email from a gentleman who lives in Louisiana (191 miles away, according to the dating site) He did have Elvis in his user name. Let me just sum up, I am going to be single forever.

This blog post is useless without pictures, but I don't know if it is a violation of copyright laws to post them. However, i am not profiting off them, and I'm just using them to illustrate the story, so I'm including them. Don't sue me. For his sake, I have obscured his face, but you really don't need to see his face to get the idea. The following is his communication to me, verbatim (with my comments in italics and parentheses)

Hello sugarpuss, (WTF, sugarpuss?? that's a term of endearment I've never heard before...and hope to never hear again.) 
I liked your profile and yes i read all of it. I would definitely like to get to know you better. I think that we could become friends if you would respond back. I definitely want to chat with you and I would hope that you arent shy either. I will say a little about me before you check out my profile.

I am a very passionate and very sexual man. (Yeah, I've never met you, yet you're unveiling your freak score on me in the first email!? NO) I have a very high sex drive and i love to kiss. I am 6ft 1in tall, weigh 215 lbs and have BIG FEET LOL(And you know what they say about men with big feet..wink wink nudge nudge. They need big shoes. I should write him back and tell him I have big feet too.) I am a very touchy feeley guy and love the same in a woman. I am much deeper and more is in the profile. We should chat and then you may know how deep i am. Lets chat soon. Hopefully you have yahoo also. Please write back and let me know.

aHunkaHunkaBurninLove (yes, it really said this.) 

Michael (which is my exH's name, so I wouldn't go out with you if you looked like George Clooney, let alone the older, jumpsuit wearing, about-to-have-a-coronary-Elvis)

Photo 1: Is Elvis married? Is that a wedding ring? so not only is he a jumpsuit wearer, but he might be cheating on Ms. Elvis. I wasn't even going to include this photo because he almost looks normal here, but the ring had to be noted. 

Not a bad photo actually, kinda rockin the semi-Elvis TV evangelist plastic ken doll hair, but whatevs...

Oh yeah...Baby you are a STAR!!!!! 

His profile pic, BTW!

 I obscured his face, but don't you love to run your fingers through that thick hair, held together with dippity doo? If that don't work for you, there is an ample collection of chest hair (I don't actually mind chest hair, but this guy is....ick) and what good taste in jewelry! Is he cheating on Elvis by wearing something from the Tom Jones: Live in Vegas collection??