Tiger meat! Oh joy!

OK, first let me get the blog disclaimer out of the way. I started this blog as a way to gently poke fun at the interesting people who contacted me on online dating sites.  I don't mean to be mean-spirited or ugly, but some of this is just really unbelievable.  Also, someone asked if I blogged about the men I actually did go out with. The answer is a solid NO. This blog just highlights people I will never contact.  If it helps, think of it as similar to the People of Wal-Mart site. I am just stunned that people like this exist.  Now that that's out of the way, let's get to the fun stuff. Without further ado, I bring you Rudy.

Here is his first message, as you can see, Rudy does not believe in capital letters or punctuation. Included, was a picture of his dogs, which are very cute, actually.

very freshly widowed. not used to being alone. for now im just looking for women to talk too. ive been out of circulation for so long, i know id feel uncomfortable bar hopping. love to karokee, love music REAL MUSIC. no acid guitar or bubblegum called r+b/beebopp. got puppies/shitsus. Ive become a homebody. Id love to go out once in a while, but hands down, time at home is what i cherish. Retired navy, ive had my share of many things. But i love coming home to a woman, my woman. And enjoying life with her.

So I read Rudy's profile. In the About Me section:  
recently widowed. just looking to talk for now. was married 14yrs.into tinkering, love to fix things. retired navy, just looking for a woman to share the rest of my years with.
old REAL soul/not this bubble gum sh@# they call beebopp.
love ballads. tradtional spanish "jibaro" music, not texmex #$@#^%
if your a lazy fatass do nothing, carry on. i want a woman with a will and passion.


On the section for what he would like to do on a first date: been so long since ive enjoyed a date. im kind of like a clam hiding an oyster. you gotta pry it open. it wont open on its own. open to all discussions/straight only. not comfortable with openly expressing, but i do like to talk.


Of course, a clam hiding an oyster. Of course, clams hide oysters all the time. I totally get that, but I decided to pass on contacting Rudy. I guess he didn't think he was detailed enough in his first message, so I awoke to this message.  Here it is in its entirety. Everyone who has read it has cracked up laughing, and I think you will too. I am just stunned. I won't do Rudy's picture and blur it like the other ones because he actually looks surprisingly semi normal.  Let me just say, I have never seen anything written like this before, and I hope to never see it again.  This whole message was like a bad novel. I kept waiting for it to get better. It never did. So, here goes. 

i like to go by rudy. the only people who call me by my real name are bill collectors or family back home.  so you will either startle me or make me tear up. your answers bartlet/memphis. (he put his address here. Sure, let me log off and go right over to your house.) NO. nearest intersection is (nearest intersection listed. You know, in case I need directions not going to his house.) i got 4 babies- sara,sassy,totto and terra (more like terror). Behold,  the train wreck!!! i have dedicated the past 14yrs to a beautiful woman who had a weakness for pill popping (somas), and drugs (meth). (At least he's loyal, right?) needless to say she took me to the cleaners several, several times.  i will never regret our time together, but ive also learned much.i stuck with her for i saw the beauty in her heart. she just couldnt give it up. that led to countless TIA's. last friday; as fred sanford would say; the big one finally came.  Yes, you read that right. His wife died last Friday, he is using a Sanford and Son reference to describe it, and he is already trying to date.  slap me once, shame on you, slap me twice, shame on me.  WTF!? Slap him?  im a strong willed man, thats the only thing that keeps me going. i have nothing now basically but my name, and my heart. not completely wiped out, but if i were, id be happy with myself. i lived life the way my heart saw fit. i will stick it out.i will keep my pants up. Well, make up your mind, dude! Are you going to stick it out, or are you going to keep your pants up? I guess if it's sticking out, you can leave your pants up, right? Either way, I don't want to know that. Ewwww. get me hooked, and the case is over. (sounds like you're already hooked.) i learned my lesson well. trust me. i was a truck driver for 11yrs, i kept my meat fresh for the tiger at home. ive had many a chance to slip. i swear on any of my dead relatives grave, i kept it shut. I think that is the best pick up line I have ever heard! Seriously, "Hey babe. I keep my meat fresh for the tiger at home!" I'm kinda hoping this takes off as a catch phrase for marital fidelity. I could see it at a wedding. "Do you Bob, take you Susie to be your wife? Will you love, honor and cherish her, and keep the meat fresh for the tiger at home?" now the funeral wiped me out, my inlaws (they got us the home) are pushing me to take the note. im struggling, but im not giving up. Thank you for telling me how broke you are and how you cannot pay your house note. if your a woman who is a prescription meds freak, has to be lavished with eccentric things and materail goods, god bless you. i wish you well. this homeboy is a homebody. I totally need to be lavished with eccentric things.  Forget diamonds. I totally need a man who will buy me an ostrich egg to put over my fireplace, maybe some eccentric formaldehyde soaked animals in a pickle jar. That kind of stuff. I really don't want to be high maintenance, you know.  I don't really do pills either, but I could use a drink right about now, after reading this profile. i have no free time really, im on bereavement leave. thats why im burning up the web now. can only chum up the water, and see what fish come up. once i get new friends you will rarely if at all see me here again.  Yes, his wife just died last Friday. He is on bereavement leave, and he doesn't have a lot of time, so jumping right into dating the day after burying your dead, methhead tweeker wife is totally understandable.  "i hate wearing sneakers, i love wearing shoes" I don't know what the fuck this means. I guess it's open to interpretation.  for now i only have my heart and my life to give. im looking for only 1. easy to please, hard to trigger. you wanna pick my brain sommore, forgive me, i dont know what else to say. im finally free and i hate it. i miss so very dearly being "owned". anytime baby, anytime.  i have nothing to hide, or hide from. rudy, 901-###-XXXX house is (phone number here)  but im going to disconnect it when my sister goes back home. I don't think Rudy is quite for me. If you know any good meth heads who might take him to the cleaners, I can give you his actual phone number and address.  Thanks Rudy, but I'm gonna pass. I have fresh meat in my freezer.